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  Photography: STUDIO FIRMA/STOCKSY UNITED 

 

 

 

 [Health](/health) 

 



 /  20 September 2023  

#  How To Please A Woman In Bed, According To Sex Experts  


 Being better in bed is simpler than you might think, so say the sex experts. From improving communication and building connection to exploring desire, four pros gave us their tips…  
 

 



 

  Photography: STUDIO FIRMA/STOCKSY UNITED 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

01

## Up The Intimacy

 

 

“The biggest myth about sexual desire is that if a woman doesn’t feel in the mood, then there’s something wrong. This couldn’t be further from the truth – sexual desire is so much more nuanced than this. Understanding the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire is key. Spontaneous desire is what we see portrayed in the media – it’s fiery, passionate and urgent. Someone experiences desire, then they get aroused. This is viewed as the gold standard of desire, but this isn’t true for everyone, especially women, who tend to experience responsive desire, which means their desire emerges in response to something. Knowing this is a game-changer for so many couples I work with. It’s not uncommon for women to be unsure as to what feels good for them as they’re used to shoehorning themselves into a type of sex that doesn’t work for them. Many women do know, or have an inkling, but they don’t know how to make it happen or how to ask for it. Start by spending more intimate time together and not rushing things in the bedroom – people with responsive desire need affection and sensual touch.” – [Sarah Rose Bright](https://www.sarahrosebright.co.uk/), sex &amp; intimacy coach

 

 

02

## Be Curious

 

 

“Communication is essential when it comes to good sex. And we’re not just talking about sharing fantasies. Talk openly and honestly about likes, dislikes and boundaries with your partner to create a safe and comfortable space for both of you to enjoy sex. Talking about what you like in bed may sound obvious, but you’d be surprised at the number of couples who never have this conversation. You can then explore what you might enjoy together. Asking with curiosity shows that you care what she enjoys. Plus, a lot of women don’t fully know or understand what they like, so it’s an opportunity to learn and explore together.” – Sarah

 

 

03

## Don't Just Focus On The Clitoris

 

 

“There is a tendency to focus on the clitoris but there are so many other pleasure spots on the vulva. Instead, take a wider view of the clitoris because what you see is only a small part of the clitoris – most of it is internal. Take your time to massage the whole of the vulva – the labia, underneath the clitoris and down to the vaginal entrance are all areas that can feel just as pleasurable as the clitoris itself. Experiment with different amounts of pressure, rhythms and duration of time to see what she likes best. For most women, direct contact on the clitoris itself can be too intense, so keep this in mind.” – Sarah

 

 

04

## Drop The End Goal

 

 

“Switch your focus from orgasm to pleasure. When you put pressure on an orgasm as the end goal, women can feel performance anxiety – even if they don’t explicitly say so – which ultimately limits pleasure for both of you. Instead, focus on the pleasure – do what feels good in the moment and try not to follow a routine. The body has many pleasurable places that can be arousing, and these can be missed if you’re only focused on the end goal. Take your time to explore different erogenous zones on her body, including the neck, shoulders, ears, inner thighs, back and feet, and experiment with speed and pressure. Invite her feedback to help navigate her body and follow her cues.” – Sarah

 

 

 

 

 

 “Don’t take sex so seriously. Follow what feels pleasurable and fun to explore."  
 

 



 

 



 

 

05

## Map Her Body

 

 

“Mapping out pleasure is a thing – remember we all experience pleasure in different ways. Avoid relying on porn and adult content as your sole means of sexual education – they will always portray fiction rather than reality. Our bodies and experiences are unique. Consider engaging in a playful ‘pleasure mapping’ session on her body, taking turns to explore each other’s desires. And while you’re at it, drop some of the most common misconceptions: women can absolutely enjoy sex as much as men do, and a woman doesn’t need to orgasm to derive enjoyment from sex.” – Juliane Mueller, co-founder of [Sex Club](https://www.sexclubme.com/)

 

 

06

## Think About Afterplay

 

 

“Some men think sex is just about penetration, but a woman needs foreplay – and afterplay. For a woman, sex isn’t just sex – it’s just as much about the emotional as it is the physical. While the secret to better foreplay is contact – it’s important to stay in connection with your partner, listening to their body and noticing what’s giving them pleasure – don’t forget about what happens after sex. Trust, truth and communication are integral to a good sex life, and this includes on-going communication before, during and after sex.” – Juliane

 

 

07

## Ease The Pressure

 

 

“Don’t take sex so seriously. In fact, sex is often referred to as ‘play’ in sex positive spaces. Taking this approach can be a game-changer as it makes you naturally curious, creative and inventive. Follow what feels pleasurable and fun to explore.” – Conor Cregg, co-founder of [Sex Club](https://www.sexclubme.com/)

 

 

08

## Explore Together

 

 

“If you’re in a new relationship, it can feel daunting learning the sexual quirks of a new lover. Instead, view this as an exciting prospect – be open, ask questions, enjoy the trial-and-error stage, and if something goes wrong, you can chat through it and adjust. Another way to learn how to pleasure your partner is to watch how they pleasure themselves. Women are all wired slightly differently. I’m a strong advocate for masturbation – it’s the key to knowing and understanding your own body. Encourage this kind of exploration with your partner.” – Gillian Myhill, sexologist &amp; co-founder of [SIZZL ](https://sizzl.dating/)

 

 

09

## Pay Her Compliments

 

 

“Why and how you’re attracted to a partner isn’t dependent on physical appearance alone, so try to point out the things you appreciate in them. Many women struggle with body and self-image, and it can be an ever-changing landscape. We have good and bad days, and the fluctuations of hormones throughout the month play a part, too. Compliment their mind, personality, quirks and oddities as much as the physical.” – Gillian

 

 

10

## Don’t Be Afraid To Get It Wrong

 

 

“We don’t have a culture of practice when it comes to sex. In fact it’s easy to fall into a routine and never try new things. Creating time to practise and explore new techniques together means you’re both learners. This also takes the pressure off having to enjoy something or ‘get it right’. You might try a new position together or experiment with adjustments that make it feel good for both of you, or find that it doesn’t work at all. Either way, it’s more fun when you’re learning together. Remember sex is lifelong learning, and what makes sex great in your 20s will be different to what makes it so in your 50s.”– Sarah

 

 

*For more from the experts, visit [SexClubMe.com](https://www.sexclubme.com/), [SarahRoseBright.co.uk](https://www.sarahrosebright.co.uk/) &amp; [Sizzl.Dating](https://sizzl.dating/)*

 

 

 

 

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